G. Curtis Hartung

Born in a small village just north of Yorktown in April of 1032, Curtis first left his mark as "that stupid kid peeing in the dirt". During the middle ages he bounced from job to job, finally landing in a circus freak show where he was billed as the bearded lady.

During his time at a French forced labor camp in 1634 he learned the rudiments of language, and began communicating through a series of grunts and frantic arm waving. When it was revealed that he was not a shaved ape, his keepers lost all sympathy and left him for dead in Prussia. He lived there as a hermit until the early 20th century when he was recruited as a machine-gunner for the Spanish infantry. His enthusiasm for friendly fire quickly marked him as "unreliable", and he was discharged to the care of an Alaskan sled-dog trainer.

Most of his time with the CIA has been brainwashed away, if asked, he fervently asserts that he was "out walking" between 1957 and 1972.

He holds several degrees but does not recall earning any of them, In a recent interview he let it slip that "if you threaten enough professors, sooner or later they give you a degree to get rid of you"

After years of false starts, he finally learned to program from a one-armed Japanese farmer who was willing to "teach, if you will learn". Although his first several years of work in the software industry resulted in no major contributions, it was discovered that if someone turned his computer on for him, his productivity approached marginal.

His last employer (who declined to have his name published) had this to say, "cheaper than the trained monkeys, but longer lunch breaks, I hope he gets run over by a bus".

His current projects include paintball gattling-guns, channeling for programmers that haven’t died yet, any woman foolish enough to glance at him, and Ace of Angels.